On Marriage Equality and Explaining Gay Marriage to My Children

September 15, 2017September 16, 2017Leave a comment

Marriage equality floral heart love hippie in disguise

Life is busy and there’s just so much news out there that I’m not always on top of the key things happening around the world. So, I didn’t realize until recently that there was a vote happening in Australia on marriage equality. We’ve had marriage equality for about 15 years here in Canada, but I know there are many countries that don’t, so I wasn’t entirely surprised that Australia didn’t. What I was surprised (no, shocked) to learn was that marriage equality was being put to a vote. Like, a fundamental right – equality – is something that should be decided based on the popularity of the idea, rather than being a basic entitlement in life. What’s more, as someone who has worked with elected politicians, I was highly unimpressed that the Prime Minister of Australia – a world leader – didn’t have the leadership skills to do what is right, instead he chose to put fundamental rights to a vote. In politician speak this means he is too weak to make a tough decision that might disappoint his base so he went the route of “letting the people speak.” It’s sad and weak, and certainly not the behaviour of someone worthy of leading a country. But I digress.

So, I was chatting about the vote with a friend, and my kids (age 6 and 12) overheard the person say something to the effect of : “Well, gay marriage wasn’t always legal here.” My children stopped what they were doing and, stunned by this, Sen (my 6 year old) asked in a very confused tone: “Marriage wasn’t always legal?”

I said, “No, honey, gay marriage wasn’t legal at one time in the past.”

Remaining confused, he elaborated on his perplexity: “So, no one could get married?”

Then, Ronan, my older child added: “I’m so confused. I thought there was always marriage.”

I realized in this moment that my children don’t know the term ‘gay marriage’. Marriage of any kind is marriage to them – there is no marriage and gay marriage. They, in fact, thought that their dad and I were in a gay marriage, you know, like a happy marriage. To them, saying that gay marriage wasn’t allowed was the same as saying marriage wasn’t allowed, because they had no sub-categories of marriage types, marriage was two people getting married; end of story.

So, here’s the thing, in our parenting style and among our community of friends and family no one uses the term ‘gay marriage.’ It’s not an explicitly intentional omission, it’s just that we don’t really care or need to describe a union beyond the over-arching terms ‘marriage’ or ‘partners.’ I realized how beautiful this accident was because the children had no notion of there being subsets of marriage. Beautiful because, often times, when you start to distinguish groups and subsets from each other hierarchies emerge, norms are established. The simple lack of a descriptor before marriage shaped their perception and worldview on marriage. And what a beautiful perception they have.

The way we use (or don’t use) language is so important and shapes what we think, what we see as possibilities and what we see as boundaries. Language should free the imagination, not imprison it. It should open the heart, not enclose it.

Back to the story. So, I had to explain what gay marriage was to them. Basically, I explained that it meant that the two people getting married are of the same sex (which usually, but not always, aligns with their outwardly expressed gender). Meaning the definition of gay marriage came down to body parts. To which they reacted with complete confusion, astonishment and bewilderment, because why would the union of two people who share a life be described based on body parts you have no control over. Essentially, it came down to this: “That makes no sense and is totally unfair!”

I agree, guys, I agree.

So, once the idea of gay marriage set in for them and then the idea of people voting on whether to allow it started to process in their minds, their protests started. Rightly, they couldn’t believe that a country would leave it up to citizens to vote on who can get married, isn’t that fundamental right? Isn’t love a good thing? Don’t we want to be inclusive? Don’t we want to show people we care for them? Yes, yes, yes, all the yesses.

Children need parents to teach them things like how to cross the street safely, how to set an alarm clock and how to make their beds (so far my kids have 2 of those things perfected). But they absolutely do not need adults to teach them what is right, what is moral and how to be good people. Children innately know how to be good, they know how to be compassionate, kind, loving, trusting, and what’s more, they want to be these things. I see so much parenting and cultural conditioning that undoes this perfect state of mind children are born with. Adults need to turn to children, the younger the better, to learn how to live a good life. Because I’m pretty sure with a child’s perspective on life and love, this planet would be a peaceful, loving place, where marriage is always just marriage.

Slow Living Project: Love

March 4, 20162 Comments

Each month I contemplate (very slowly, very mindfully about) introducing the hashtag #slowliving_blogpost because, well, I’m a little slow to post. Something I’ve come to accept, and even appreciate, about living slowly is that you become the final judge of your pace, not others. At first, it’s hard to feel comfortable in it because others have their expectations, others are whizzing and whirling around you, but ultimately we know the rhythm that is best for us. A slower pace has many benefits, not the least of which is being more connected to the moment.

So, on to love, let’s connect with love. With February’s focus on ‘love’ another beautiful collection of photos has formed as part of the Slow Living Project (read this post if you want to hear about how the project began, how it works and how to join in). Melanie and I wanted to focus on the word ‘love’ and to see what you love and how you capture it. We were both deeply inspired by the beautiful images and the heartfelt words you shared.

The photos and moments that struck me the most are shared below. (For my selections under ‘Wise Words About Love’ I especially encourage you to visit these galleries and read the captions.) You can view all the contributions to the gallery here. As always, thank you to everyone for sharing and inspiring others.

Love: The Basics

Photo by @mytinytribe

Photo by @weevintage

Photo by @ekwetzel

Love in an embrace, a glance, a hand

Photo by @megchittenden

Photo by @magdalenadom

Photo by @ambertia

Photo by @lulu_pine

Loving the simple things: music, friends, nature, others

Photo by @theindigocrew

Photo by @mama_2thelittleones

Photo by @thepeacefulposy

Photo by @chicangelic

Photo by @jaibess

Handmade love

Photo by @fareisle

Photo by @sugarhouseworkshop

Wise words about love

Photo by @lillalinaea

Photo by @findingjoyforus

Photo by @hanbullivant

Photo by @devine_tribe

Melanie’s selections can be found over on her blog www.geoffreyandgrace.com.

Thank you to everyone who participated this month and shared their slow living moments. Everyone, old and new, is welcome, so please join us in March as we explore the theme ‘create’ (for a second time!), using the same hashtag as before #slowliving_create. We hope you will find interesting ways to capture creativity and creation in the everyday. Slow down and notice those moments, create and share them. The last time we focused on ‘create’ the images were not only beautiful, but more importantly captured the spirit of creativity and creation in a slow and intentional way. We saw people bringing creativity to breakfast or a simple moment on the beach, slowly working at a creative project over days and weeks, and bringing slow intentional creativity to their time with children. See the selections post here for inspiration. At the end of the month, Melanie and I will select our favourites to share on Instagram and on our blogs. We can’t wait to see what you create! As always, please feel free to interpret this word broadly and in a way that resonates with you.

As a reminder, in December we started using the hashtag #slowliving_ for all our images in the project. Feel free to use it yourself, especially for any photos you love but don’t feel quite fit the theme of the month.

You can see previous month’s themes and selections ‘create’ here, ‘explore’ here, ‘bloom and harvest’ here, ‘raise’ here, ‘gather’ here, ‘renew’ here.

Our Pinterest board ‘Slow Living Moments’ includes all photo selections from the project, you can visit it here.

Thank you to everyone who shares photos and inspires us to live slowly, wholeheartedly, with gratitude. Best wishes for a beautiful and creative month! xo, Danielle

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The Mathematics of Love: My Love More Story

November 29, 2015July 12, 201621 Comments

Around this time last year I was asked to contribute to a collection that would be titled “The Love More Stories.” I don’t often write about myself or share personal stories because I tend to shy from the sort of attention this could bring. However, over the last year I’ve had a nagging feeling that I should share this story more broadly. The story captures a number of key themes in my life and the tension between them. The desire to have a large family and the desire to be responsible in our family’s use of the earth’s resources. The pull between personal interest and the greater good.

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Growing up I always knew I wanted children. In fact, I knew I wanted a big family. Seeing my mother skilfully raise the three of us, knowing she always wanted a fourth, I thought to myself that four was the perfect number, at least as a minimum. And so, my heart was set on having four children. As I later learned, these were certainly the idealistic musings of a young person who hadn’t put thought into what their life partner might want and who didn’t consider the environmental impacts of raising children in the first world.

Today, I am a mother to two children. First, there’s my kind-hearted daughter, Ro. She’s the creative type, always dancing, singing or drawing, and usually doing more than one of these at once. Ro is highly intuitive, deeply loving, naturally funny and the definition of a social butterfly. Then, there’s Sen, my wild little boy. He is head strong, while also being a very sweet and calm child. He loves climbing, dancing, and pretending to be a ninja. Together these two are the best of friends and siblings. Most days I dream of having their level of connection with another human, their love for each other is so fierce and all-consuming, it has taught me so much about the powers of love.

I am always a mother first, but I am also a wife and friend, and I work full time outside of the home. I work professionally to provide for my family, but my passions lie in the arts, in writing, in photography, in adventure, and, of course, in nurturing my children. My aim is to develop deep and genuine kindness in my children, not only toward their family and friends, but toward all humans and toward all life on earth. This is why we spend most of our free time outdoors connecting with each other and with the abundance of animal and plant life around us, cultivating a love and reverence for the earth.

And then, there’s Matt, my husband and partner in life, a highly rational and deeply principled person. These two things I love most about him, but they also make life with him hard. There’s no being flaky about your values around Matt, principles should be lived by. Fun or not. Easy or not.

We knew soon after we met that we were a perfect match; we didn’t share any hobbies, but we agreed on the big stuff, like politics and ethics. We married a few years later. We both wanted to have children while we were young, at least by today’s standards, and so soon after we married we had our first, Ro. It was like a cliche seeing my child for the first time and having so much intense love instantly, and over the first year seeing my love for Matt grow and mature seeing him become a parent, and seeing his love for his daughter. When Ro was nearing one year, I felt ready and excited for a second child. I talked to Matt about having our second, we were both in graduate school at the time, and so the timing of the birth was not inconsequential.

And so, I started the conversation on a very practical point: timing. Since the question of having a second child or not, was already answered in my mind, and presumably in Matt’s too. Now, Matt is someone whose heart strings are perfectly aligned with what he believes, with his principles and ethics, and so he replied with “We shouldn’t have a second, it is not responsible, it is not right to take more resources from the earth to satisfy our own cravings to have children. One child is the right number.” Now, as you can imagine, I didn’t accept this without presenting a few counter-points, strongest among these was that “surely, the world needs more children like the ones we will raise, they will be role models in caring for the earth.” But, to be honest, I knew in my heart that this was pretty presumptuous of me and motivated by self-interest. In this instance, loving meant not only loving our kin, not only loving humans, but loving all life. If I were to truly act lovingly toward all life, toward the earth, then I wouldn’t have a second child. So, I accepted, very reluctantly, that Matt was right.

But my heart still wanted that big family, so I began to talk about adoption, which I thought Matt would agree to since it wouldn’t bring new people into the world. And this is when I got an answer I never ever expected. “Danielle, I love Ro so much it hurts. I love her so much there is just no way that I could ever love another child this much. I would never forgive myself for having a second child in the family that I didn’t love as much. That child would know, they would feel the lack of love. And if by some crazy stroke of fate I did love that second child as much as I love Ro, then I would certainly have to rob Ro of some of my love.” I could see the calculus of love floating in thought bubbles above his head. Like any resource, there is a finite amount. In a family you only have so much time to share among its members, there’s only so much food in the fridge and bedrooms in your home. Who was I to say, naively, that there would be enough love to go around? When I thought about the woman living in the apartment below us, who had 19 children, I thought Matt’s right, there is no way she loves any one of those children as much as we love our one child. This was without any poor judgment of her, it was pure math, pure logic. And so, once again, I conceded to Matt’s view. It would be one child for us. Logically, I knew he was right, but I’d be lying if I said my heart was happy about it.

And so, for the next four years we carried on pouring all our love and energy and resources into our one child. Then one day, as I carried Ro on my hip to go downstairs for breakfast, the same as I did every morning, she excitedly said something very peculiar. “Mama, you have a baby in your tummy!” To which I replied “Oh no, sweetie, there’s no baby.” And she replied with complete confidence, “Yes, there is. I know it. You smell like mummy milk, you smell like you did when I was a baby.” What a quirky thing to say, I thought to myself, and with that we prepared breakfast and carried on with the day.

A week later, having forgotten my conversation with Ro, I started to experience symptoms of pregnancy. I ignored them for a few days, and then decided to take a test just to rule out my worries. Worries because I believed in Matt’s reasons not to have a second child. I was in complete and total shock when the test came back positive. And then like a tidal wave, Ro’s intuition washed over me. She had known. The sensitivities and keen perceptions of a small child are truly astounding.

Now, for us, while we had agreed one was a responsible number of children for us to have, there was never an option to not carry a pregnancy through. We respect all life and couldn’t end a life prematurely, and so eight months later we welcomed our son, Sen, at almost 10 months gestation, into our family, born at home into his papa’s arms.

Living life, living in a family, there are many lessons in love. We learn that there are all sorts of love: love for a child, love for a partner, love for a friend. We learn that love evolves and matures. One of the great lessons in love we learned from our second child is that love is not a finite resource, as we had naively thought. When we saw our son for the first time, we had that same overwhelming feeling of love, of the biggest, most intense love, the same feeling we had had with Ro, and that we still had for Ro. There was no diminishment in our love for Ro or for each other, and yet we had as much love for Sen. In fact, our love grew. Seeing Ro love her brother instantly, our love grew for her. Seeing Matt hold his son, my love grew for him. Even though everyday I think that I can’t possibly love my children more than I do, I somehow love them more than I did the day before. Of all the lessons in love, the one I think of most is that love obeys no rules of math or logic. Love does not diminish when it is shared, rather it grows. You can always love more. Love is infinite.

***

You can find the full Love More Stories collection for purchase here

You can also read an interview with Amanda who started the Love More Shop, where she talks about her motivation for starting a shop focused on loving more and how she gives back to the community.

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The Love More Stories

May 13, 20156 Comments

A few months ago I was asked to contribute a story to a collection that would be called The Love More Stories. At the time I didn’t know of The Love More Shop or the kind woman, Amanda, who ran it. But I said yes, because, well, she had me at the title. The book was released last week just in time to give Mother’s Day a little bit of extra celebration this year.

The Love More Stories is an e-book of 15 personal stories written by mothers about learning to love more, whether it was loving themselves more, their children more, their partner more, someone or something else more. The stories are honest, some very raw, inspiring and enlightening. I am truly honoured to be in a collection full of such wise stories words written by some very inspiring women.

My story talks about our decision to have only one child, based on the idea of loving the earth more, by taking less from it, but also based on a surprising admission from my husband. Here’s a little excerpt:

“My heart still wanted that big family, so I began to talk about adoption, which I thought Matt would agree to since it wouldn’t bring new people into the world. And this is when I got an answer I never ever expected. ‘Danielle, I love Ro so much there is just no way that I could ever love another child as much. I would never forgive myself for having a second child in the family that I didn’t love as much. That child would know, they would feel the lack of love. And if by some crazy stroke of fate I did love that second child as much as I love Ro, then I would certainly have to rob Ro of some of my love.’ I could see the calculus of love floating in thought bubbles above his head. Like any resource, there is a finite amount. In a family you only have so much time to share among its members, there’s only so much food in the fridge and bedrooms in your home. Who was I to say, naively, that there would be enough love to go around? When I thought about the woman living in the apartment below us, who had 19 children (yes, nineteen), I thought Matt’s right, there is no way she loves any one of those children as much as we love our one child. This was without any poor judgment of her, it was pure math, pure logic. And so, once again, I conceded to Matt’s view. It would be one child for us. Logically, I knew he was right, but I’d be lying if I said my heart was happy about it.”

There’s an interesting twist in the story that brought us to our two children, but you’ll have to get the e-book to read how our story unfolded.

***

As the collection came together, and I got to know Amanda a little better, I wanted to interview her to share her story and get the word out about her project with the Love More Shop. I love hearing from women who have been able to follow their passion as mothers. If you ask me, that is living the dream.

What part of the world do you live in?

I live in the beautiful state of Oregon. After six years in Portland I just recently moved my little family back to Hood River, where I grew up an hour east of Portland.

How many children do you have and how would you describe them?

Theodore (who goes by many nicknames but I call him Theo) is pushing two years old. He is a happy, energetic, and curious little guy. He loves to play outside and is obsessed with trains, nursing, spaghetti, and dancing. I’ve never seen a baby bust a move the way he does and I love it. He is turning into a toddler now and I love seeing the ways he changes and grows each day. When you are a parent you notice all the “unnoticable” things. “Oh he has never walked up that slope without falling!” “That’s the first time he said “R” like that!” I didn’t expect to notice as much as I do before becoming a mother. He takes all of my energy and he is amazing.

Graham is my seven year old step son. He is mature beyond his years and has a wisdom that most kids his age don’t. My partner, Isaac, raised him on his own for the first three years of his life so they have a special bond. Being a stepparent is far more challenging than I ever expected but I have also learned more than I ever imagined. Through him I am learning that I can’t hide from my pain or my shortcomings. Through him I am learning that the only way out is deeper in, enveloped in a blanket of love. Through him I am learning what it means to be a true and vulnerable woman.

I could write a book about our experiences navigating the waters of step parenting and dealing with the pain caused by his birth mother because it’s been a huge part of our life for the past three years, maybe someday I will.

What are your core family values?

To be kind and loving. We are broken people that have felt what darkness really feels like – something I am grateful for because we haven’t been destroyed and each day that we live an honest life we discover that we won’t ever be destroyed by it. We try our best to be kind, good people even if that means we are going to be uncomfortable or that we aren’t going to get what we want; that’s our goal each day.

How do you spend most of your days?

I spend most of my days trying to figure out how to do this mom thing well. Our life has been chaotic for the past three years. A lot of uncertainty, a lot of transition and change, a lot of disappointment to move through. I crave routine and structure and I think it’s on the horizon with our move to make a better life for our family and our new home.

I stay home with Theo and run my shop the best I can while he sleeps. We spend a lot of our time at the park, library, cooking, taking multiple baths a day, and going on walks.

What is your favourite thing to do as a family?

Now that we are in the new house we like to work out in the yard together. Planting our garden and making our home our home. We like to go to the park, having dance parties, building forts, sitting down for dinner together, and going out for coffee and donuts or pizza. Snuggling up to watch a movie together is also a favorite.

What are you passionate about?

Motherhood, living simply and well, natural childbirth, documenting my family, design.

What inspires you?

Other mothers being honest and real. Other mothers embodying their values and beliefs.

Water is something I need when I want to feel inspired or connected. A bath, a shower, walk by the river, float on a lake, listening to the rain. Water grounds and inspires me.

Did your career aspirations change once you had a child?

Definitely. I have always wanted to be a mother and when I got pregnant I knew I wouldn’t want to return to working away from home. I was a designer and I didn’t want to go back into that world unless it was doing something that I truly believed in. Even then, I was not about to leave my baby with someone else both because I just didn’t want to and childcare is too expensive for what designers make around here.

So things shifted and are still shifting. I am hoping that design can weave it’s way back into my life in the near future. We will see!

What is The Love More Shop and why did you start it?

The Love More Shop is a brand that reminds people to love their family, friends, and world more each day because creating empathetic, kind, whole human beings starts in a loving home. Our shirts remind each other to love a little more each day – because there is ALWAYS more love and sweetness to give.

A portion of proceeds goes toward sending parents out on dates to nurture their love with the idea that creating a loving home starts with united and loving parents. When our baby boy was a few months old our friends gave us $100 to go out on a date. It was such a thoughtful and unexpected gesture that really touched our hearts. We were broke but desperately needed some time out together and to escape one evening for a couple of hours together. (We pretended we didn’t know each other and drank too much.) Love More had been my mantra for a few years and then I thought “well why not print it on shirts and see if I can sell them and give back in someway.” I wanted to find a way to give back that was authentic to me and a little different and what our friends did for us inspired me to help other parents have a night out together. So, each time the Love Fund reaches $100 we donate that money to one sweet couple to go out together and nurture their relationship.

It’s small and I know that giving people cash to go on on date together won’t heal the world. But it’s something and it starts a conversation and hopefully when people see the shirts being worn it will inspire them to love a little more.

What is the Love More Stories book all about? And why did you want to publish it?

I started a series on the blog in September called The Love More Letters. They are short love letters written by about a dozen mothers who wanted to participate. Then I thought it would be nice to collect longer stories to put together an e-book that would inspire mothers to love more in their own lives or celebrate the ways they already do. I love reading other peoples experiences when they come from an honest and vulnerable space. I can feel what they feel. I am tired of the judgment and shaming of how mothers choose to raise their children. There needs to be more acceptance and empathy and my hope is that sharing simple stories will help build understanding and community.

How can people buy the Love More Stories?

On our website right here.

What are your dreams for the Love More Shop and your family?

My dream is for the Love More Shop to grow into a movement of some kind and a business that can help provide for my family. I want to be sending a couple out on a date each week! Wouldn’t that be awesome!? I also don’t plan on simply selling shirts forever and I think the e-book is the start to growing into something bigger.

Be sure to visit the Love More Shop to read the Love More Letters and to see what else Amanda is up to. You can also follow Amanda on Instagram @thelovemoreshop.

Hippie in Disguise

slow living, minimalism and connection with nature

Tag: love

On Marriage Equality and Explaining Gay Marriage to My Children

Slow Living Project: Love

The Mathematics of Love: My Love More Story

The Love More Stories